So... *deep breath*
I find myself beautiful. I like the way I look... I like the way I look when I first wake up in the morning, I like the way I look when I'm too lazy to shave, I like the way I look when I can't be fucked to put on any make-up (most days.), I like the way I look when I feel like dressing up, I like the way I look when I smile, I like the way I look when I'm sad.
I don't look conventional. I've received a lot of negativity my entire life for this. That's fine. I'm accustomed to it.
I don't do any of this, to please any of you. Some of you like it, and that's wonderful, but it's never been, and wont ever be for you.
Something important to remember, is that you can't please other people in this world, and if you manage to please yourself, you should be happy with that. Because we're our own worst critics, because we know ourselves the best.
If you're scared to be you, because someone has shamed you, and indicated that who you want to be is unacceptable... Try to take a deep breath and walk away from it. You can't make that person happy, and what's more, you shouldn't be expected to. Someone who talks to you like it's your job to make them happy, is just dealing with their own bullshit personal issues, and projecting those onto you.
Now, you may say that no matter what, it's obvious I do this for the male gaze, because for some reason it's incomprehensible that a person of my gender could want to look any specific way without really caring what others think.
I was five years old, when I decided I wanted to look like this when I grew up. I wasn't going to school (home schooled.). almost every one of my friends were male (I liked playing in mud and climbing trees. So I just tended to get along with boys better.) and I didn't even have a concept of what male gaze or sexualisation was back then.
I just liked the look. I saw cartoon characters that I thought looked awesome. I saw them, and I was secretly sad, because I knew that there was no way I could look like that when I got older. I look at myself now, an am elated. Because I've essentially achieved a dream that I considered impossible.
When I was a teenager, I started developing large breasts. It's genetically in my family, I've always had the potential. I remember being a D+ when I was with my first boyfriend at 13, and he mentioned that I had massive breasts, and I told him he was wrong. That my breasts were very small, and it didn't make sense that he thought that.
This is just me, sharing a bit about myself. It has never been because of what others wanted from me. I've always struggled with that. The only times in my life I've HATED the way I look, were when I tried to please other people...
Most of you know I'm a military spouse, and when I first moved here, I swapped out the tank tops and mini skirts, I started wearing pants, I had black hair (a conventional colour for me.)... I tried, and as reward, I gained a terrible body image and hated myself. People here do react, and they don't like the way I look. I do get negativity. I get catty remarks and I get awkward stares... But it's the price I have to pay to be happy with the way I look. It's what I have to do to be happy with me.
I recommend that those of you who are negative, take a little time to try and achieve this within your own selves and lives. Maybe you'll come out a more accepting person for it.
(I will read, but do not intend to reply to any comments left in this journal post. Please do not consider yourself slighted if I don't respond. It seems unlikely that I shall.)